


When You Gonna Say My Name

by fandom_trash23



Category: Castiel - Fandom, Dean Winchester - Fandom, SPN, Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Fiction, Fighting, Gay, Love, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, Teacher Dean, Tragedy, War, deanxCas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2019-12-30 19:25:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18321674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_trash23/pseuds/fandom_trash23
Summary: Dean and Cas have been best friends since third grade. Hell, they even grew up next to each other. They even go to war together, as top dogs. They were basically inseparable, until Cas gets too close to an explosion. One minute they’re side by side and the next Cas is gone. Dean dreams of his long lost friend every night and even thinks he sees him everywhere.He discovers he actually IS seeing him everywhere. Dean goes out of his way to talk to Cas, only Castiel doesn’t remember him. Who was this green eyed man? What was this pull Cas was feeling? The two couldn’t part one another, no matter how hard they tried. They decide to be friends and Dean tried to help Cas regain his memory, with no luck. The whole time Cas never asks for Dean’s name and Dean doesn’t give it. It’s unspoken that Dean won’t tell Cas. Cas has to figure it out for himself. The only question is, when will Cas finally say Dean’s name? If ever? He must...before it’s too late...





	1. Real Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I was going to post that I’m December but life got in the way...anyways here it is! Hope you guys like it!

August 1963

             "Jesus Christ please stop pacing", Dean groaned. His best friend Cas, short for Castiel, glared at him.

             "Sorry if I'm a bit nervous and annoying you", Cas responded sarcastically. Dean rolled his eyes and finished tying his boot before walking up to his friend. He placed his arms on his shoulders to stop Cas from moving, making Cas sigh.  
             "Calm down. We're top of the class. We're going to get in and they'll pay for you to be a fancy doctor and for me to be a mechanic or teacher, whatever the hell I decide. Point is", Dean stated to reel himself back in, "they can't tell us no. We're gonna fight Cas. And we'll win and come home as champions. We have with everything else. This won't be any different." Cas stared in his friends emerald green eyes and took a deep breath, steadying and calming himself. Dean stared back into Castiel's deep pools of blue doing the same. Was Dean nervous? Hell yeah. He just wouldn't let it show, Cas needed his strength, but Dean was getting it from Cas too.  
             "Come on boys", Gordon exclaimed. He opened the tent flap with a wide grin. "Let's do this shit." Dean patted Cas's back for final reassurance before they left with their friend, heading to find out their fate.

 

September 1971  
             "Captain Novak", Colonel Johnson shouted. Castiel shot to his feet and did exactly as he was trained all those years ago. "You along with Lieutenant Winchester and Ramsey will lead our team to the front lines. Advance, but be smart. Don't get dead, we need you all to weaken and kill as many as possible so our weaker units can hit hard. We need to end this war." Castiel nodded and saluted before picking up some files and marching out the door.   
             The planes were picked and ready. Castiel just had to get his men and get on the damn plane. He'd be going out again, far sooner than he expected. He'd only been back a day and a half. Dean met him outside the building, where he had been waiting for his friend to return. "Did I guess right", Dean asked. Cas nodded with a sigh.  
             "They're sending us back out again. We have to get Ramsey and some other recruits. We leave at 1900, pack your bags. Who knows how long we'll be away this time." To be clear, Cas wasn't complaining or hating that he had to go out. He was more than fine with it, he was just tired of seeing everyone dying. Dean picked up on his mood and huffed and puffed for a few moments.   
             "No. You're gonna pack. For both of us. I'll get everyone informed", Dean said finally. Cas nodded and Dean stopped him. "And hey, bring something for me to stick up Ramsey's ass when he starts giving us shit." Cas grinned and handed him the paper that had the list of their team before heading to their bunks. Cas got their quickly and noticed a new recruit in the room, one Castiel actually recognized. He walked in and the kid jumped to his feet, ready to salute but Cas held up his hand.   
             "Don't. Look I'm not like everyone else here, there's mutual respect here dude, we don't salute each other." The kid, nicknamed Gomer, nodded and grinned.   
             "If you say so Novak. Are you going back out", he asked, his smile starting to slip as he saw Castiel starting to pack. Cas nodded.  
             "Yeah there's a team needed towards the front lines. They want me to lead it again I suppose."  
             "Yeah cause Cas is the best they got", Dean exclaimed as he walked in the room, winking at his friend. Castiel rolled his eyes before they widened.   
             "I thought you said-", Cas started before being cut off.   
             "Don't worry I just bumped into everyone quickly. They're packing, pull the stick out of your ass and let me know if you need help", Dean smirked.   
             "I don't have a stick up my ass", Castiel muttered, turning back to his things.   
             "Yeah Dean your stick isn't in his ass yet", Gomer joked.   
             "That was awful", Dean laughed. "But I'll give you points for trying." Gomer grinned and walked off and Dean bumped Cas's shoulder with his own.   
             "You may not need that stick up there but you sure do need something else buddy", Dean noted.   
             "Yeah who's gonna help me with that, you", Castiel teased Dean as he turned to face him, sizing him up.  
             "Maybe", Dean replied, mimicking Cas and wound up very close together, the tips of their noses almost touching. They stared into each other's eyes and something flashed in Cas's before Ramsey walked in.  
             "Gah take your gay shit somewhere else", he groaned loudly as he walked their way. Dean smiled and Cas swore Dean's eyes flashed to Cas's lips before turning away from Cas to face Gordon.   
             "Haven't the slightest clue what you mean", Dean said. He slightly did though, everyone thought Dean and Cas were gay together. They were pretty inseparable and if they didn't work so damn well together the head officers definitely wouldn't put them on so many missions together. Of course they didn't go on every single one together, but it was very seldom to not see them paired together. Plus, they've been best friends all their life, or since 3rd grade. They were close, and apparently that meant they were gay for one another. They constantly denied it, they weren't gay for each other. But one thing they'd never share with another person in the army is that they were in fact gay. It could be the end of everything they'd worked for.   
             Ramsey rolled his eyes and gave him a 'yeah right' look before speaking. "Well I don't know about you two but I definitely need some drinks and to restock on cigarettes before we leave. Care to join?"  
             "Sure", Cas answered for Dean. "We've got time to kill anyways." Plus he knew Dean would make him forget packing to go anyway. Ramsey slapped his hands together with a grin.   
          "Now that's the spirit!" They left the room and grabbed a few smokes and drinks before going to grab some dinner. People we rushing around everywhere, packing their plane for tonight, making plans, or doing other important shit that Castiel didn't bother going near. Dean and Cas, along with the rest of their crew, were packed up and waiting by 1845. They all waited on the runway for quite sometime before everything was packed and they could get strapped in. In the plane everyone sat close to each other, there were several of them and not a super big plane. It was something Dean, Cas, and Ramsey were used to.  
             "Care to give me some details", Dean asked quietly, nudging Cas's knee with his own. Everyone else was loud and talkative, getting all their sound out before they had to be silent. Dean was unusually quiet though, most likely just sensing Castiel's mood. Cas turned some to face Dean, and Dean did the same, their legs and arms pressed together. It was a sense of comfort for them both.   
             "All I know is that the enemy advanced and instead of pushing forward, our men retreated back some. The officers say it's because they fear the recruits aren't ready."  
             "And what's the real reason", Dean asked with a smile. He knew exactly what Castiel was hinting at, the officers gave one excuse but it wasn't the right one. Cas was also analyzing things and he always thought critically, which is one reason why he'd be a great doctor. It's one of the many traits Dean admired about his best friend.   
             "I think they want to stay hidden. I mean they know our team is there but they don't know the numbers, the strength, the weapons we have. They're going off guesses so my bet is that our group doesn't want to expose all kinds of information about themselves. I guess they thought retreating quite a few yards for that would be a good reason." Dean nodded, knowing Cas was right. It made more sense and was the tactics of the captains that left for that mission.   
             "Anyway", Cas continued, "we have to march and meet up with them. We have to help them to advance forward and it'll result in combat. Meaning more people are going to lose their lives. But that's all part of it I guess." Dean squeezed his friends hand. War was hard on everyone, the things you saw were gruesome and haunting. The deaths always hit Cas hard. Cas was all about saving life's and helping everyone he came across. Not killing them, but he was strong and he needed to be here. And Dean did too.  
             Dean nodded before changing subjects and sooner rather than later Cas and Dean were joking and laughing louder than the rest. They joined in with small talk between the team and they were all sharing funny stories. It was hard to laugh in times of war, but by doing so it made everything slightly more bearable.   
             After five and a half hours, they reached their stop. They got out and unloaded their things, putting their bags on their backs and grabbing their weapons. Cas explained to the team their job, and gave tasks to certain people. Ramsey along with two newbies and a older recruit got in vehicles full of fresh supplies and headed out towards their people. Cas sent a few others in a tank to an ally camp, to find what they knew about the situation that their team needed to yet know. Cas, Dean, and seven other recruits marched on to their team. The cars could only go so far, to their camps. However, the closer they got to the enemy the more silence was key, and so they walked.   
             After a day and a half of trudging on, everyone was tired and their feet were sore. It was nothing new to them, and they kept on. They eventually meet up with their people, leaving some more talented recruits on watch duty while Cas and Dean spoke with the other captain and lieutenants. They situated a plan before going back to the others and sharing the next steps. Once everyone was on the same page, they set up camp for the night and planned to advance in the morning. They took turns with watch, Dean, one of the other lieutenants, Masters, and a few other soldiers were spread out, watching over different areas. They would switch positions at 0100.   
             Cas laid down to Dean's nagging, although Cas had volunteered to watch both shifts. Dean knew he'd stay awake and Cas would, but he'd be in worse shape than he already was. Cas tossed and turned, dozing off every once in awhile just to shoot up again. He checked his watch and saw it was only a little after 11. If Cas wasn't around others (Dean being the exception), he wouldn't care to tell time in military time. He'd rather say civilian time, he made him feel slightly more comfortable. He got up and went to where Dean was stationed in the woods, knowing he'd get no sleep.   
             Dean felt Cas approach before he heard him. If there's one thing Cas had mastered more than anything else, it was stealth. He was a sneaky asshole as Dean called him. Cas sat by Dean and plucked the smoke from Dean and breathed in, letting the nicotine relax his jittery nerves. He passed it back to Dean who shook his head before taking a hit. "You're supposed to sleep", Dean barley whispered.   
             "You know I can't", Cas replied just as quietly. It was silent minus the wind and leaves blowing.   
             "Of course I know", Dean sighed. He put an arm around his friends shoulder and Cas leaned into his side. "I just wish you could."  
             "I know. If you want to go sleep I can take your spot", Cas offered. Dean shook his head.   
             "Guess we'll both be here until morning comes." Cas nodded and took the cigarette Dean passed to him, and for awhile they sat in silence, passing the cigarette back and forth until it was gone, and then getting another. The whole time thinking or just enjoying one another's presence. It was beyond familiar to them now.   
             Cas got lost his thoughts. He thought of what laid ahead tomorrow. The crew he sent to another ally camp had reported that the enemy was running low on supplies. Instead of sending more men with the supplies, like Dean and them did, they were sending men they had back to retrieve it. Meaning for a short time they'd be weaker, and that was the time they'd have to take advantage of. They'd already sent for backup, which would arrive in a day or two. Cas and Dean and the rest would have to hold out until then. Cas prayed that they would.   
             "We're gonna kick ass tomorrow ya know", Dean said to pull Cas back to reality. Cas nodded. Of course Dean was right, Cas just wasn't quite convinced yet. They always did though, I mean sure they'd lost a few battles but that was part of it. They'd come out victorious in the end. Dean was sure of it, which made Cas sure of it and vice versa. Dean and Cas sat together, talking occasionally about random things until the sun rose, and they went to awaken their team. Others were arriving back from their posts to get the others up and sooner rather than later they were packed up and moving forward. They stuck to any shadows they could, trying to remain out of sight as long as possible.   
             Eventually the forest stopped and vast open land begun, and that's when they knew the fight was there. Men started digging trenches, while others stood on guard with their guns, ready to shoot at any minute. The recruits and soldiers dug while the captains and lieutenants stood guard. It wasn't every day there would be captains and lieutenants, usually one or the other for vast numbers. This was different though, for the battle, they needed more leaders for more strategy and better plans. It would be played smarter this way, and hopefully less bloodshed from their side would come from it. Cas and Dean took opposite ends, other captains between them which was different. Cas was hoping that different is what would win them this fight.   
             The men dug and dug and eventually spots were switched just so that work was done but men got breaks. They all rested and ate and drank quickly not too long after before working again. By nightfall a trench type set up was formed, just not completely, they'd bend on their knees and shoot over the dirt, protecting their main body. A little after 0200 that night Cas sensed something and signaled down to Dean, causing everyone to be alert. Not too far after, shooting began and Castiel prayed a final time for a win.


	2. The Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m going to try and update this story at least once a week, if not more. Hope you enjoy it!

             "Why do they bother even sending us home", Dean snarled. Cas walked by his side as they headed back to their bunks, just to pack up and leave again. 

            "Dean calm down", Cas cautioned. There was a mandatory and unexpected meeting, and it was not full of good news.  

            "No", Dean hollered. Dean stormed off to his bed and Cas followed his friend, worried for him. "I just don't get it Cas. We haven't been back for five freaking hours even! Now we're being shipped off again. Which, fine whatever it's why we're here. I get that. But why waste fuel and time to fly us back if we were just been shipped out again." Cas sighed as he watched his stressed friend throw some of his belongings in a bag. The meeting called for immediate progression. Several planes would be going over this time. For possibly the biggest battle of the war. Cas and a few others were the main men in charge. Castiel would be over his unit with Dean as his second in command. Being so high ranked was starting to get them though. Neither were happy to be going back out again.

             Cas walked up behind his friend and hugged him from behind. Cas found Dean's wrist and pressed hard on the pressure points there. It was a feeling they both had become used to. Neither of the two had experienced a good childhood and the pressure would always reel them in to think sensibly. Cas could feel Dean taking a deep breath to steady himself and Dean felt heavier in Cas's arms. Cas let go of Dean and turned his friend to face him. "Dean, everything is going to be fine. We came out fine on this last mission. This time won't be any different. We have more men. More weapons. This one will wind up going even faster than the last if we stick to the plan. We'll be home soon and shortly after, out of war for good."

             Dean stared in the bright pools of blue that seemed to glow from Cas's fierce mood. Dean grinned slightly and nodded. "Let's do it then." Cas smirked and nodded and clapped his friend on the shoulder before going to pack his own things. 

             "No wonder everyone calls you gay" Gomer laughed. Cas grimaced and Dean shot him a look. Cas nodded and straightened himself, which confused Gomer as he didn't catch the pairs silent conversation. 

             "Listen kid we need to talk real quick", Cas started.

             "Stop calling me a freaking kid", Gomer exclaimed.

             "Would you rather we call you Gomer", Dean questioned with a look. Gomer shook his head no and Dean nodded. "That's what I thought", Dean muttered. 

             "Listen, there's been a new plan issued out", Cas explained. "The crew this time around is rather large. Against my liking, you're part of it. Part of my unit to be more exact. You gotta pack your bags. We leave in a few hours. Don't know how long we'll be gone so pack plenty but also light." Gomer paled ever so slightly but nodded and marched to his things. Cas dropped his shoulders and sighed inwardly. This was his least favorite part, having the youngest and newest go out on a big mission right away. It's how so many wounded up dead so fast. 

             "He'll make it Cas", Dean reassured his friend as he came to stand beside him. Cas nodded but didn't look sure at all. Dean didn't blame him. Far too often the youngest were brought home in boxes. Dean and Cas had written far too many letters to family to explain what happened and offer some peace. Peace was never found. 

             "He's smart", Cas reasoned. "He's strong. He's trained every day while he's been here to prepare himself. I hope that's enough."

             "You're ready or you're not", Dean agreed. "He's ready Cas." Dean didn't believe it for a minute. However, the rest of Cas's unit was strong and experienced. Dean hoped it would be enough to protect the kid, for Cas's sake. Cas got soft when it came to kids. He wanted to save them more than the rest. From death but also the terrible memories that came with war. Cas never let it make him weaker though, so Dean let him be. 

             Three units were assembled and shipped out three hours later. The planes still had quite a bit of chatter but many were silent. Big missions like these generally left everyone more quite, not out of fear or even worry. Just mulling over the plan and tactics that could wind up saving lives. As for Dean and Cas? They were rethinking and memorizing the known enemy layout. Cas and his analytical brain thought of places they could wind up being surprised and found ways to prepare for the worst and most unknown. Dean was similar to this, and both were prepared to make calls others couldn't foresee. Hard times while they were younger taught them to be ready for anything, leaving no surprises. Dean and Cas knew tricks like the knew the back of their hand. They were ready. Ready for all but one thing really, and that's what would bite them in the ass.

             Once the planes were on the ground, men swarmed off. Orders were shouted from every direction. Units were pulled aside. By having three units, they hoped to be ready for anything thrown their way. Castiel split his unit in two and gave out orders. Him and Dean had discussed a game plan on the plane and the overall plan by all the leaders from every unit was discussed back at camp. Everyone gathered their things. Some got in vehicles while others marched. Cas made Dean watch over one half of the unit and sent them in tanks. Castiel and his half marched on while Dean and the others got the tanks ready. Everyone marching would have a half day head start to get to the lines. 

             They all got far in that half days time, they were still a few miles out, so they marched on. Two days later they were at the trenches. Everyone prepared and got ready, setting themselves up for a fight. They had a few hours until their tanks came, and that's when everything would start. Some men hadn't gone home on their last mission and they were in the trenches waiting. They had scouted the area and kept things safe until more men arrived. Now that they were here, more men went to scope out the area and ensure as much safety as possible. Soon safety would be lost and they needed as much a grip on it as possible.

              Commanding officers words from his training days flooded back in him at times like this, to make him colder and harder. Things like "numbers lost don't matter, only number of victories do" and other heartless shit. Unfortunately, heartless shit is how you survive the horrors of war. Gomer moving beside him snapped Cas back to his surroundings. He wasn't in a training room. He had orders to give before the battle. Gomer's paler shade stuck since the plane landed, it made Cas worry for the kid. The heartless attitude had to come back but Cas couldn't manage it. Cas patted his shoulder and looked out at the vast land before them. "Don't worry. I won't let anything bad happen to you. With the group we got? You're more than safe kid."

             Cas glanced over and gave him a quick small smile and Gomer grinned slightly and nodded. Tension there dropped for which Cas was grateful. Suspense was the only thing left. Troops came back from scouting and reported nothing. Everything was clear and ready. Shortly after, Cas could hear a distance rumble of small rocks being crushed from the heavy weight of the tanks. Cas and other lieutenants signaled to all the soldiers and they spread out, everyone in position. A few men came out of all the tanks and rushed to the trenches. Dean fell into place next to Cas and they smiled at one another, giving each other a look. A 'we got this look'.  They had other barbed protection a few feet in front of the trenches, but other than that they were exposed. The vast openness was worrying, but it was what they were all used to. They were ready as they could ever be.

 

 

             Gunshots and explosions rang about in every direction. There was a lot of smoke and lots of shouting. Cas couldn't see who was winning, but he could feel that they were better off. He could see darker shadows come from the ground and he shot out at it. He and Dean continued this along with other men as men of their own went up and tried to advance. In the distance there were shouts of another kind. More like screams really. Of people who were injured or killed. Their meds were running about, trying to drag the closet dead bodies to them and pronounce them dead, keep track of the bodies. Over ten had accumulated, but Dean and Cas tried to ignore it. It wasn't either of them. One med had made it to the top and hided out, waiting to retrieve another body. 

             More and more of their men went over the top and they had to be careful not to shoot them down as they moved to advance on the enemy. Shouting from the enemy grew louder and Gomer jumped on the ladder to go up.  "They're retreating", he shouted. "Didn't you hear?" He looked at Cas, who shook his head no. Cas hadn't been able to clip all the pieces together of the sentence only a word or two.

             "Gomer no wait don't-" Cas started but the kid was gone. "Shit", he cursed. He made his eyes adjust and watched the kid get behind a post where he'd be safe momentarily. Cas shot more and rapidly. Dean next to him set a hand on his shoulder to steady him. Cas paused to close his eyes and adjust. The kid was smart he'd be fine. At least that's what Cas thought. Other men advanced beyond the post and Gomer followed. Cas promised to keep him safe. Cas looked over at Dean and the look said it all. Cas rushed up the ladder and on ground before Dean could stop him.  
             "Fuck Cas no", Dean screamed. He shot more and watched his friend go, covering him. Cas chased after the other men but a giant shadow appeared. Far bigger than any man. Dean's throat went dry and everything in him went into shock. "Cas no!" There was an explosion that occurred right where Gomer had been standing. Tears stung at Dean's eyes but he fought them down as he watched his best friend fly backwards. Cas hadn't caught up with Gomer, but he was close. Far too close to the explosion. The waiting med rushed to grab Cas and it's all Dean could handle.   
             Dean rushed to ground level and ran to his friend, not caring whether he was shot or not. "Fuck Cas", Dean cursed as he slid to his knees by his friend.   
             "There's still a pulse", the med relayed quickly. "This air isn't good for him. I'm taking him back to base immediately." He signaled another med and Dean helped drag him back safely. Red flashed in Dean's eyes, everything he saw, he saw through red. The sons of bitches almost killed Cas. Cas could still die. Dean knew it was war but he blamed the enemy. He rushed forward and shot madly, taking down many. He dropped to the ground and crawled, shooting down more and more men. Dean didn't even know if they were his men or not. None of them were Cas or Gomer. Dean would shoot every single one of them down, every damn one.


	3. Painful Diagnosis

             "I don't give two fucking shits", Dean screamed at the top men. "I helped you win the biggest fucking battle of this war. I want to go see my best friend", Dean demanded. They exchanged glances which only made Dean more pissed. One sighed and waved on the others, causing one to hand him some papers.   
             "A month. Then you're time is up Winchester. You can spend every second next to him after that. If you want that damn aid, you'll stay put and shut the hell up. He's alive. He'll live for many more years. He may even come back to us after he heals up, he could be one that runs this whole damn thing. So could you. So man up, put aside your gay love bullshit for each other, and do as you're told", Johnson spit at him. He's words only fueled Dean's anger. He took the folder of papers and stormed out to his bunk. After he had gotten back, he laid in Cas's bunk. It's where he'd go now. He wasn't sure he'd have another mission before he was gone in a month. If he didn't, he'd stay in Cas's bed until he could see him in person.   
             The battle had lasted weeks. The first part ending within a few days. Dean and his team were strong. Once Dean went on a rampage, shooting up everyone in sight, they made amazing progress. They had dropped an explosive in the enemy trench and killed many of them. Others would struggle to come out and they were instantly shot down. Five men on Dean's team were injured and eleven died. It was the price to pay. They advanced more slowly after that, building up a fortress. They killed more enemies than they could keep track of, but none of it mattered to Dean. He didn't care that they won one of the largest battles this war could ever see. He just wanted to see his best friend. To make sure he was okay. Everyone said he was alive, but there were various spectrum's that alive could cover. 

              Dean flung himself on Cas's bed and breathed in his lingering scent. He missed his best friend. They did everything together and to know Cas wasn't there, wasn't at a meeting or anywhere nearby freaked Dean out. He never did anything without Cas and he didn't want to. Little did his best friend know was that it went further than that. Dean loved Cas, but he had too much value for their friendship to say anything and now he may never get the chance. Dean shook the thoughts out of his head and steadied himself before reading the information in Cas's file. The doctors had sent over his information and it became clear to the big shots that Dean would have to have these papers.

             Dean thoroughly read every sentence on every page, then reread them. When he finished, he had a waterfall streaming down his face. Cas was exposed to too much radiation. He was unconscious for several days. Now that he's woken up, they tried to evaluate him. Only they found he wasn't intact. He was hooked to breathing machines to ensure only clean air filled his lungs. He could breathe and function fine, which was great. The thing that worried Dean the most was that Cas had lost a lot of memories. Cas remembered having a horrible childhood, some details but not many. He remembered wanting to enlist in the army to get government help to pay for college to become a doctor. Cas was still brilliantly intelligent, or at least the report said he was. 

             He was smart enough to piece together that his family was awful so he refused to have the doctors call them. It said they were still trying to find someone to contact. If he recovered steadily, he could go home in a week. Even then, he would have to speak to a specialist about his memory and he'd have to seek out someone to help him address what to do next, so his mind wasn't pressured too much too fast. Other than forgetting borderline everything, Cas was fine. His vitals were good, no sight problems, no organ damage. He had numerous bruises and busted up ribs. He sprained his ankle and broke his wrist from being flung. He had a concussion when he first arrived, which was probably gone by now. 

             Dean cried and cried. He was happy his friend was alive. He could recover from all the damage. At least Dean hoped he could recover from memory loss. He'd have to research it and ask the doctors. When he could leave, that was. The door opened a few minutes later and Dean wiped his eyes quickly before turning to see Johnson. Dean scrambled to his feet and gave him a proper greeting. Johnson waved it off for him to lower his arm. Dean did so with no question. It wasn't often Johnson would deny his authority. "Winchester, please follow me", Johnson stated loudly. On that he spun on his heel and left the room. Confused and intrigued, Dean followed. 

             Dean followed him to the offices, the only place that really got to contact the world outside of war. Dean followed Johnson into a meeting room that only had a table, some chairs, and a phone. Some chairs were filled by other top notch men that Dean despised. The power went to their head quite frankly. Normally, everyone was lucky enough to avoid direct contact with them, some lieutenants being the exception. "Please take a seat", Johnson said motioning to a empty chair. Dean nodded and sat down, with posture that would make even Cas jealous. Dean stayed quiet the entire time. Being in a room with these types of people put unbelievable amounts of pressure on a person. Dean needed to be even better than perfect if he wanted to see Cas. He had to make up for his piss poor behavior from earlier. 

             "Well Dean let us explain why you're here. I'm sure you have several questions floating in that brain of yours. For instance why you're here, are you're getting kicked out from you little display earlier", Johnson traveled off here and smirked. "Call it lucky or unlucky, no. You're not being booted. However, you seem to be popular. Not just around here although yes everyone is talking about you. I mean you and Novak were connected at the...well everything", Johnson laughed. Another man across from Dean even smirked. "Anyways you seem popular outside of here too. Seems Novak's doctor would like to speak with you." At this Dean's eyes widened and he felt a lump in his throat. The doctor wanted to speak to him personally. That was huge, and it worried Dean immensely. 

             At that note, one of the other men pressed a button the phone machine and the call continued. "Hello? Mr. Dean Winchester", a voice over the phone asked. 

             "That's me", Dean replied hoarsely. He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Who's asking?" Even if he already knew, he needed to recover from the weak voice that had come out of him a few minutes prior. 

             "This is Dr. Kline, I'm Castiel Novak's doctor. Now normally I wouldn't even let you know I'm his doctor since you aren't family. However it appears we have some rare circumstances. Mr. Novak doesn't want anything to do with his family but we feel for a good recovery someone close should be here, see him and maybe remind of of some simple details. Everyone says you two are literally joined at the hip and that I should come to you. We were wondering if you could leave base for a couple of days and assist us for a day or two?" Dean felt his heart beat rapidly. He was going to be allowed to go see Cas? The thought alone made his chest hurt, in a good way.

             Dean looked up at his commander who nodded, signaling he had permission. "Yes I can be there in a few hours", Dean promised. The doctor laughed over the phone and about what Dean wasn't sure. Frankly he didn't care if he could leave to check on Cas. 

             A few pleasantries were shared before the call ended and Johnson sighed. "Looks like you get to see Novak after all. However, don't see this as a long thing. You are given the rest of today and two days after that. As soon as the doctor is done with you, you come back. Once you leave base, your time here pauses until you come back. You'll still have a month to complete here Winchester, don't expect to luck out like you just did. If you don't return, we here can testify that you agreed to this so if you try and go to court over government help we don't get screwed over. Do you agree to this arrangement Dean Winchester", Johnson questioned.

             "Yes sir, I agree to these terms", Dean answered formally. Johnson nodded and grinned. He motioned for Dean to leave and Dean did, after accepting another folder that would get him to Cas, out of camp, and back into it. Dean borrowed a car from base and sped off towards the hospital. The GPS said two and a half hours, but Dean was betting to be there in under two.

             An hour and fifty three minutes later Dean came to a screeching halt at the hospital. Dean ran to the front desk to get Cas's information, tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for the receptionist to get it together, and then ran up five flights of stairs. When Dean finally made it to Cas's floor, he was slightly out of breath. He didn't care in the slightest. "Dean Winchester, I'm here to see Castiel Novak. Where is he", Dean asked quickly to the nurse at the desk. She looked up in surprise at his abruptness and a doctor came around the corner.

             "I've got it Traci. Mr. Winchester good to meet you in person", the doctor, Dr. Kline stated as he stuck out his hand. Dean shook it quickly and proceeded to follow the doctor. "You got here awful quick boy, hope you didn't break any laws." At this he grinned and winked before knocking on a door and Dean following him in. "Mr. Novak, I understand you don't want to see family and that's fine. Can you tell me who this man is", the doctor asked Cas as he pointed to Dean.

             Cas looked up, looking tired and slightly bruised but otherwise the Cas he knew. The same drowning pools of blue for eyes, the same squint when he thought hard or was concentrating. Normal Cas, his Cas. Dean felt his heart pounding but it broke as soon as Castiel responded. "No, I don't know if we've meet", he said slowly as he analyzed Dean. "Do I know you?"


	4. Life Without

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I've said but I'm going to update once every week, maybe more if I have some extra time. Updates will typically be on Saturdays. Hope you guys are enjoying it so far

Dean returned to base feeling lousy and heart broken. Dean returned their car, checked in with Johnson, and then all but ran to his bunk. He flopped into his own this time, the smell of Cas being too much too handle at the moment. Cas looked the same, acted the same, talked the same, laughed and smiled the same, hell he even joked and slept the same. None of it mattered. He didn't remember Dean. Dean bit his lip and roughly wiped his eyes. He wouldn't cry, he'd be a man about it and he wouldn't cry. He got up and paced the room only to wind up punching the wall. He bit back a scream and punched the wall again and again. He was going for a fourth time when an audience stopped him. "Damn", Ramsey shouted with a whistle. "What stick got put up your ass?" Dean shook his head and forced back the red.  
"None", Dean responded. "Just wondered what it'd be like to punch a tank, figured cement wall was the same right?" Dean turned around and saw Ramsey laughing and shaking his head.  
"Well at least you got a sense of humor. Gotta tell you though I think your butt buddy would enjoy that joke more than me though."  
"Fuck you Ramsey", Dean snapped. Dean went to sit back on his bed, back against the wall.  
"Easy tiger. So it's Novak that's got you in a twist huh? I take it the meeting didn't go well?"  
"Was pretty piss poor." Ramsey gave Dean a go on look so Dean sighed before telling him how it went. "Well let's see I got there and the doc asked Cas if he knew me. He said no. Asked me if we ever met. The doctor decided to only say we were war buddies. I asked him how he felt, if he remembered how he got there-".  
"You cried didn't you", Ramsey questioned with a smirk.  
"My eyes teared up some asshole but I didn't cry. From my reaction he asked if we were close and I said yes. The doctor left and let us talk. I basically tried to see what all he remembered. He remembered much more than I expected but it didn't matter. I talked to the doc about everything after Cas asked if he could rest. Kline seems to think he'll remember everything again eventually since he remembers enough. He thinks therapy sessions will help him remember. He told Cas to go to his old routine, do what felt normal. I tried to explain to Cas what normal was for him. The doctor also said maybe I should try not to see him. That maybe slowly easing his life back into swing would be more beneficial than everything at once. The doctor agreed to never tell Cas my name, let him figure it out. Said it would be better that way.So after a little more prodding I left."  
"So what you're saying is that Cas doesn't remember you at all, the doctor didn't give you a time estimate to when you guys will finally be butt buddies again, and now you can't see him ever?"  
"Well I wouldn't say not ever. We live in the same town we're bound to bump into each other, but I'm not supposed to seek him out. After awhile, I will, obviously, to see if he remembers me. But I don't know if I can handle that."  
"Winchester that is some depressing shit. Like really. Take some pills or something. I say it's time we get you out of this stupid room and to a party, military style." Dean faked a small smile and nodded. Getting shit faced sounded fucking perfect at the moment. 

"Winchester come with me", Lieutenant Walker shouted. Dean groaned inwardly. A little over a week left and of course he got stuck with the biggest douchebag in the face of the Earth. Since Dean only had a month, they wondered why move him to lieutenant if he wasn't going to stay. So they had some other asshat take Cas's place. Gordon Walker was a no brain, kill every thing, no questions guy and Dean hated him. He was cruel and heartless and didn't care for his team. Dean worries for everyone that would have to deal with him. Now his final mission would be with the ass clown. Fucking great.  
Dean followed Gordon who shoved a paper in his hand. "Round them up, be ready to fly out in thirty, if you're late you're done." Dean rolled his eyes. The guy couldn't make that call but boy would he threaten to. What a real freaking douchebag. Dean found everyone quickly and they all ran to make their bags, beating even Gordon. It was like him to be far later than what he was supposed to and then he'd yell at everyone for being too early. Dean wished the plane would leave without his sorry ass. The mission was a small one, with little to no action. It was more of a replace the troops so they could come home and rest for awhile. Everyone got a break eventually and Dean would get a permanent one in nine days. The longest nine days of his life.  
When the mission finally ended, Dean only had one day left. A bunch of guys back at based decided to get shit faced with him, celebrate his time there. Johnson even drank with Dean, although he was probably celebrating to never have to see Dean again. Walker didn't show and for that Dean was grateful. Everyone eventually told stories of Dean and many involved Cas. Dean laughed at many of them, but some downright broke his heart. Hearing mentioning of Cas was like a bullet to the chest. Actually, the bullet would be easier. Dean ignored it though and drank more and more until it hurt less and less.  
They drank and laughed and partied until early the next morning. When Dean got back to his bunk, he fell into a bunk and slept until late afternoon the next day. He woke up with a killer hangover and he reached his arm out, trying to grab ahold of something. "Cas", Dean questioned. He held his head up and opened his eyes to look around. He found the room empty, no Cas, no anyone. Realization settled in and Dean felt worse than he did last night. He pulled his arm back to himself and slowly got out of the bed, trying to be fast without hurting himself as he fell asleep in Cas's bed and the smell was too familiar to be comforting.  
Dean went to shower and clean up, the smell of alcohol drowning him. Once he was cleaned, he stripped his bed and Cas's bed. All of Cas's belongings were gone but no one should sleep there without new sheets. Dean didn't feel right about it. Dean packed up his things and took the sheets to laundry. He returned everything else that officially belonged to the government and made his way around base. It was quiet and empty for the most part, many having jobs to do. Luckily Dean was assigned nothing and could nurse his hangover on his last day. Hours ticked by and eventually it was time to leave, to go home. To be part of the world.  
Dean and Cas graduated high school at 17, training at 18, and Dean was leaving as a 25 and a half years old. A little over seven years at this place was more than enough. It was time to figure out the rest of his life. He bumped into a few people and said goodbye, including Ramsey and Johnson. Dean didn't bother looking back at the place, he didn't care. He was finally free of this hell and frankly with Cas gone, there was nothing good for him there. Without Cas, there wasn't anything good to be truthful. Life without Cas was going to fucking suck, but Dean would learn to deal. He'd have to.


	5. Ghost of You

"Dean come on", Charlie exclaimed. She was a art teacher at the school, but she was more than that. She was Dean's best friend in the whole world, at least she was now anyway. "You promised you'd let me take you out for your birthday. Your old pal Benny thinks it's a good idea."

"Yeah well so does Sam, Bobby, and Rufus. I'm sure if you contacted Ramsey he'd love it to. Any chance to party they'll take it. They don't do it as much as we do", Dean groaned in response. 

"Dean Winchester you listen to me", Charlie said with fierce seriousness. "You will let me throw a party for your big three o and you will shut the hell up and love it." 

"I'm sure", Dean teased with her. She grinned, causing Dean to grin too. After getting a very sly and subtle agreement she moved on quickly, launching into some story. Dean laughed at a joke and as his head was thrown back in laughter he caught a glimpse of something. No, not something. Someone. Dean's throat closed up and he could feel his beers coming back up. He quickly ran to the bathroom and threw up all the contents in his stomach, including the half of a burger he had just eaten. "This isn't happening", he muttered to himself. 

Dean closed the the toilet seat and sat down, trying to steady himself. He felt shaky and clammy. He had that feeling a lot over the years, anytime his mind would play tricks on him. Ever since war, Dean was only haunted by one thing. It wasn't the memories, the bloodshed, the nights of no sleep or earth shattering fear. It was Cas. Dean had tried to let the guy be and live his life since he in no way recognized Dean. It was hard though, to have to give up your best friend. The person Dean loves more than anyone or anything, except maybe Sammy. They were a tie in Dean's book. 

Cas haunted Dean. Everywhere Dean went he felt like he saw him. Walking down the street, at the coffee shop, the store. Every restaurant or bar Dean went to, Dean would catch glimpses of pools of blue or the messy hair that was a combination of bedhead and sex hair. Or at least that's what it always looked like. The same strong and muscular build. Sometimes Dean could swear he could feel Cas's presence next to him. Each time it was like rocks crumpling down on Dean. Dean found the pressure point and pressed down hard, it didn't have the same effect as when someone else did it, but no one else could. It was his and Cas's thing, but no one could calm Dean if they did it. Bobby tried once to find himself getting slapped. Dean hadn't even meant to hit Bobby, it was just like a reflex. It angered Dean and it surely didn't calm or center him. When he did it to himself, it did ever so slightly but not as well as what it used to with Cas. 

Dean took a few deep breaths before standing and flushing the toilet. The bathroom door opened as Dean left the stall and he bumped into the guy, as he was still pretty shaky. Dean looked up with an apology on his lips when his eyes meet blue. "Sorry", Cas apologized. Dean held down vomit and bolted from the bathroom.

"Charlie we have to go", Dean stuttered quickly. Charlie saw his shaken look and simply nodded, throwing cash down and grabbing the rest of Dean's burger to eat and they left. They hoped into the car Dean had purchased from Bobby after the war, a 1967 Chevy impala. His pride and joy. Dean goes down the street and didn't stop until they were at Dean's place. They quietly walked to Dean's apartment, them never once saying a word. When they got inside Dean's place, Dean flopped onto his couch. He felt slightly better, less shaky. He was still very pale and kept taking deep breaths.

"You look like you've seen a ghost", she joked lightly. 

"I have", Dean replied quietly. He looked over at Charlie who had tilted her head, not knowing what he meant. Dean figured he owed her an explanation. "Remember me mentioning Cas?" She nodded and Dean continued on. "I feel like I'm seeing him everywhere. When I saw him on campus, I knew I was imagining things. He was still on my mind every day and what happened to him was still recent. I don't know it made sense to see him for a while after everything. But a little over four years to still see him? I feel like I've lost my mind." Charlie came to sit next to Dean and gave him a side hug.

"It doesn't matter how long it's been Dean", Charlie reminded him gently. "You think about him all the time. I know you do. Anytime you talk about him you get a certain mood and your face sits a certain way. You look like you're in pain." Dean swallowed a lump in his throat. Only three people could read him that well. Sam, Charlie, and Cas. Dean missed Cas like crazy. Yeah he thought of him everyday, wondering if he'd remember Dean. If his memory has improved. It was impossible not to think about it. "You either need to talk to him and try to get him to be your friend again or try to forgot him. You can't keep doing this."

Dean nodded glumly, not feeling reassured at all. They quickly changed the subject and went on having a good time. If anything having a party would be good right? It could help ease his mind of Cas. Dean couldn't wait for Friday.

 

"Yes Charlie I'll be there", Dean reassured his friend over the phone. He was currently at the store picking up various items and Charlie was worried he'd back out of tonight. "I'm looking forward to it so chill out." She gripped over the phone and Dean laughed. "Love you too bye." He shook his head with laughter and bumped his cart into someone as he wasn't paying attention. "Shit I'm so sorry", Dean apologized quickly. Looking up stopped him in his tracks and he could hear himself gulping. He put on a smile and faked a response. "On second thought, no I'm not."

"Well you should be", Cas started, giving Dean a pissed off look. "And not just for bumping into me now. You've been following me around for ages but I don't know you. I don't like you. Stop following me." Cas rolled his eyes before returning his attention to the shelves, muttering under his breath. Dean felt hurt for a split second but knew exactly how to ease his friend.

"Following you", Dean questioned with a laugh. "Sorry to burst your bubble but I'm not following you. Hell maybe you're following me. I think you ought to be the one apologizing." Dean smirked as Cas seemed furious.

"Whatever. Just pay attention to where you're going", Cas snapped. 

"Yeah well if I did then I wouldn't get the pleasure of running into pretty boys like you now would I", Dean teased. He laughed at the shocked look on Cas's face as Cas turned to look at him. Dean walked off, all the while laughing to himself. He thought over it and laughed and repeated until he got to his apartment, where instead of feeling upbeat he was sad about his friend. Dean turned on some old music Cas used to love and put away his groceries. Dean would never be able to forget about Cas at this point. He supposed that meant friends was the route to go.

Dean cleaned up for the party and jumped to answer the door a little after five. He opened the door and grinned to see his younger goofy younger brother standing in the doorway. "Heya Sammy", Dean grinned as he pulled his brother into a hug.

"Hey Dean", Sam answered with a smile of his own. "Charlie said you can't be trusted and I have to escort you to dinner. You ready to go?" Dean rolled his eyes but grabbed his jacket before motioning Sam out. They were headed for the Roadhouse, a restaurant and bar where a lot of vets wound up. It was kind of the known place for them to go. Them and their closest friends, which for Dean meant a teacher, his brother, and vets that were more like relatives to him. The only bad thing about a vet crowd is that everyone would want to celebrate, it was a reoccurring scene at the Roadhouse. Dean felt bad for the owner, Ellen, sometimes. Tonight, he didn't care. 

The ride there was filled with stupid brother arguments that Dean always seemed to win as well as talking over one another to tell stories. Sam was studying law and also had stories about school, which reminded Dean of his own school stories. But Dean loves to hear his brother talk law, even if he didn't get it. Sam was the same with Dean and his high school teaching. After war, Dean decided English teacher was definitely the route to go and when Dean started talking about a book, it was best to let him finish. Rufus and Bobby were at the place before Sam and Dean, only because they practically lived there. When Charlie showed a few minutes later, they decided to get drinks started. Benny and Ramsey joined them all about twenty minutes later. That's when the party started. 

The entire place sang happy birthday to him, many referring to him as Winchester , dumbass, or idjit. Sam and Charlie being the only exceptions there. Ellen made him a victory burger and music filled the place as people danced in a corner and partied. Not a lot of dancing went on seeing as how there were a lot of old cronies in the room but many of the younger vets and their girlfriends did. Charlie eventually drug Dean to join them. They mainly drank while they played pool and darts, having a nice party to themselves late into the evening. It was after nine when Dean ran up to the bar, slightly trashed. Ellen laughed at the sight of him while she cleaned out a glass. "Having fun", she asked. Dean nodded and she grinned. "Boy you better watch your ass. You party too hard you'll turn into a old prune sitting in the corner watching all the fun." At this she looked over at the guy next to him with a wink, obviously joking with him. Dean turned to the guy and sighed. Of course that's who it would be. 

"What are you worried you won't keep up with me tonight Ellen", Dean joked as he turned back to her. "Hey before I lose your attention to the madness I need beer for the masses." At this he signaled to his group who were too lost in a pool game. Ellen nodded and went to fill up some pitchers and Dean turned to his old friend. "Are you an old prune Cas", Dean asked with a grin. Cas looked over at him and rolled his eyes. 

"No", Cas sighed. His brow furrowed in confusion and he glanced back over at Dean. "How do you know my name? Or at least part of it?" Dean went to answer as Charlie rushed over to grab the pitchers from Ellen.

"Just cause it's your birthday don't mean you can be slow and stupid", she exclaimed with a laugh. Dean grinned with a roll of his eyes as she whisked away with the beer. 

"Sorry for the interruption", Dean said, although he was sure Cas was happy for Charlie's perfect timing. 

"More than fine. Happy birthday by the way ," he noted before taking a drink. 

"Thanks. And to answer your question, we used to best friends. Hell we were inseparable, we did everything together. We even went to war together and-."

"That's why you look familiar", Cas shouted unexpectedly. "Every time we'd bump into each other I knew that I had seen you before. And not just from you stalking me." At this he winked to signal he was joking causing Den to smile. "You came to see me at the hospital right? The old war buddy the doc went on and on about? If we were so close how come you left the hospital? And then never contacted me?" Cas's head tilted in confusion and Dean held back a laugh at the habit. 

"I had to go back to base. They just wanted to see if I could jog your memory but-", Dean started to explain but was cut off by Ramsey. 

"Yo Winchester", Ramsey shouted as he threw an arm around Dean's shoulders. "New game, we're racking the balls so hurry your ass up. What are you doing anyway", Ramsey slowly traveled off as he saw Cas. His eyes widened in excitement and Dean could feel him trying not to jump. "Holy shit! Hey Castiel long time no see man!" Ramsey gave him a quick hug that left Cas confused but he played it off well. "Are you finally butt buddies again? Man that's great I thought you'd never remember this jackass." Ramsey laughed at a hidden joke there and patted Cas's shoulder. "It's good to see you man. You should join us sometime. We'd have blast with the old gang. But a different group awaits, and that means get over here so I can kick your ass", he directed the last part at Dean. 

"You wish", Dean hollered over the crowd. He laughed silently and looked back to see a very confused Cas who was giving him a questioning look. "Oh that's Ramsey. He was a fellow friend in the military. Stubborn and annoying pain in the ass but we liked him. For some reason I still do." Dean grinned and Cas scooted on his stool seeming uncomfortable. 

"What was that he said about um", Cas stopped and looked away. Dean read his friend well after all these years and could instantly tell he was being embarrassed about Ramsey's butt buddy joke that always pissed Dean off.

"Oh yeah. We were so close that everyone thought we were gay together or something", Dean explained somewhat shyly. Dean instantly felt bad, if he didn't remember much and somebody had said that to him? He'd be so lost and furious he wouldn't be able to do anything but fume. Cas nodded in understanding, not asking more about it. 

"Well if that's the case then...", Cas traveled off and his eyes widened. He licked his lips and chugged the rest of beer. It was silent for a moment before Cas spoke again. "Winchester", Cas questioned curiously. "Why is it that no one ever says your name? Not your friends, the people here, not even that damn doctor introduced you."

"Yeah about that", Dean grimaced. "When you lost your memory or parts of it anyway, everyone wanted you to be able to figure out my name. It would be a sign of progression and what not ya know? You never did and we just decided not to tell you, hoping maybe you'd remember one day and it could help you out. I don't understand the full effect but it seemed to make sense to the doctor. 

"Yes of course. We studied that last year in one of my classes. It does make sense....", Cas appeared lost in thought before he finally stood. "Look I know it's been awhile, like four years or more, but do you think maybe we could meet up sometime? I have a lot of questions if you don't mind maybe helping me answer some of them. Find some clear ground and what not." Dean nodded enthusiastically.

"Of course man! When? Where? I don't even really know how to contact you."

"I'm sure we'll bump into each other here a lot. You know being vets and all. Maybe tomorrow night even", Cas hinted. Dean nodded with a grin, picking up on Cas's words. Cas turned and left and Dean went to his friends. It was time to let the party continue. Although it didn't matter, he already got the best gift. A chance to be close with Cas again. Dean started discovering that thirty wasn't so bad after all.


	6. Here Ghosty Ghosty

Dean slid into a booth at the Roadhouse groaning. It was seven in the evening and Dean's hangover still hadn't gone away. Did he love the party his friends and family threw him? Hell yeah he did. However, his head was pounding and his entire body was sore. The party had continued back at Dean's place, although Bobby and Rufus had gone home after the Roadhouse had closed. They played music as loudly as they could without the police being involved, drank, ate, and were downright obnoxious. Dean had gotten great gifts from his crew and he was beyond grateful. He wasn't grateful for his misery though. Chuckling caused Dean to sit up only to find Ellen with a drink. "How about we start you off with a hangover shake", she asked. Dean nodded and accepted it, chugging half of it. 

For customers Ellen really liked she would give them shakes from a recipe of her own to cure messes from previous nights. It was one of many reasons why Dean saw her as a saint. She left to attend to others and Dean sat there, anxiously waiting. If Cas has purposely hinted at tonight just to not show up, Dean would kill him. Unfortunately, it seemed like something his Cas would do. A little before eight Cas still wasn't there. Dean rolled his eyes and went to the bar, ordering some fries and sitting there to talk with Ellen. At least then he wasn't taking up a booth and angering everyone else. Plus now he could have company and not be a loner. Dean would kill Cas for ditching. 

Just as Dean had that thought, the door opened and he felt Cas coming up behind him and sitting down. "Thought you ditched me at first", Dean started as he ate a fry. Cas shrugged and slid the fries towards him, eating a few himself. Dean looked at him shocked causing Cas to grin.

"What? You're the only one who can fuck with people", Cas questioned mischievously. Dean shook his head with a grin before taking his fries back. 

"So you wanted to talk", Dean reminded him. Castiel nodded and looked around the room. 

"Yes. So I wanted to ask-."

"Haha well if it isn't Winchester and Novak", a booming voice shouted from behind them. Dean and Cas turned to see Benny and Ramsey. "Didn't think you'd be back so soon Winchester. Thought you'd be miserable after last night."

"I'm not a baby Ramsey", Dean reminded him. "Besides I had a meeting." At this, all turned to Cas.

"Well okay then. Let's see just how well your friendship still is. Come play against Benny and I in pool. If you're still good, then you'll beat us no problem right? Since you're supposed to be the best duo and what not." Dean rolled his eyes at Ramsey's attitude. He was about to decline when Cas spoke up.

"Sure we'll play. Be nice to kick some of my old friends asses", Cas states with a smirk. Dean shrugged his agreement and they started up a game. They played three games in all, Dean and Cas winning every single one. "Another game", Cas asked with a grin. Ramsey and Benny rolled their eyes before setting their sticks down. 

"Um I think no", Benny said with a laugh. "You two like read each others minds to know where to leave the balls sitting. I knew you guys had all the angles memorized but dammit I was wishing that special little bond was gone!" Dean cleared his throat to try and signal to his old friends enough was enough. Luckily Benny picked up on it and nodded in Dean's direction. "Well my ass needs a break from the whipping. We'll leave you alone now."

"To whip each others asses", Ramsey hollered with a laugh. Dean fought back a roll of the eyes and Cas had a confused look on his face. After Ramsey and Benny were clear from sight, Cas stormed out of the bar. Dean did a double take with wide eyes before running out after his friend. 

"Cas wait-", Dean shouted.

"No I will not wait", Cas screamed as he turned back to face Dean. "I don't understand all these jabs at us or me and I hate it. I hate not remembering and now I'm left with all these unanswered questions!" Dean fought back water in his eyes. He hated seeing Cas like this. Sad and frustrated and angry. "I came here to talk to you and see if my questions could be answered but people can't leave us alone for five freaking minutes and frankly I don't want them hearing us cause it's none of their business and-".

"Cas chill okay", Dean said a little loud. "Okay look this bar is not the place to go for quiet and discret okay? Everyone there is always in each others business all the time. If I would've known how serious you wanted this to be I would've suggested some place different. Cas I will answer anything you want but you've got to stay calm because this is pretty damn hard for me too ya know." Cas sagged his shoulders in defeat which left Dean taking a deep breath. "Okay, follow me." Dean grabbed Cas's shoulder to get him moving and then they were walking down the streets. After about ten minutes in the cold, they reached the place Dean had in mind.

"Where are we", Cas questioned. He eyed the building up and down causing Dean to grin. Dean unlocked the door and motioned Castiel inside. Cas gave him a odd look before reluctantly stepping inside. "Seriously, where are we?" They stepped into an elevator and Dean pressed the number five. 

"We're going to my apartment. No one will bother us or hear anything, not unless I let them in," Dean answered. Cas nodded and a small grin formed. When they reached Dean's floor, they stepped out of the elevator and headed down to his room. Dean quickly unlocked the door and let him and Cas in before closing the door and locking it back up again. Cas stepped further inside, observing every detail about Dean's apartment. Every little nick and cranny suited Dean, and Cas picked up on it easily. 

"This place is so...you", Cas commented. From the flannel thrown over the back of the chair to the pile of books and papers neatly stacked and organized on Dean's kitchen table to the mounds of vinyls in the corner. Cas instantly headed for them once he saw them and Dean leaned in against the door frame that lead to the kitchen/ dinning room, watching his friend take everything in. Cas flipped through every single vinyl, reading the titles and even picking some up to skim the back. Dean eventually rolled his eyes with a happy grin before flopping down beside Cas and picking out an album he knew his friend loved. 

Dean had several Cas would love really. Cas loved softer stuff but he absolutely loved The Beatles, The Doors, and Hendrix. Cas actually introduced Dean to into Hendrix's music all those years ago. Dean pulled out an old Beatles album and placed the record on it's player. Dean fiddled with it for a few moments before music was played loudly, stretching out all through the apartment. Cas listened for a moment with his eyes closed, Dean smiling as he friend rediscovered the song. "I love this song", Cas concluded with a grin.

"Well I hope so. It's your favorite song", Dean grinned. Cas always loved Hey Jude. He used to listen to it constantly. Cas opened his eyes to look at Dean. His smile slowly dispersed, causing Dean's to fade too.

"Think I could ask you some of those questions now?" Dean nodded and stood before helping Cas up just to move to the couch. Once they were all settled, it was silent for a few minutes. Dean could tell Cas was having problems where to start, it was clear from Cas opening and closing his mouth over and over again. When he finally spoke, he was very quiet and Dean could barley hear him. "People think we're gay together right?" At this Dean nodded slowly, he had a feeling where this was headed. "Is it just because of how close we are or is it because I'm gay?" Dean fumbled with his hands and bit his lip, not quite sure how to explain his friends own sexuality to him. 

"Yeah", Dean started cautiously. "You're gay. You've known since like fifth grade." At this Cas's eyes widened and his shoulders slumped. Dean could tell that Cas had been afraid of hearing that, and he was right. "But it's not just you. I'm gay too. So they just kind of targeted us. We never came out to anybody but each other. Well, I mean my little brother Sammy knew but beyond that it was kept secret. Cause in case you haven't noticed? That kind of shit just isn't acceptable by other people. Even though it's literally none of their damn business."

"Yeah. That's why I was afraid of the answer you'd give. I almost didn't even want to ask, but I knew I had to. I can't just not be me I guess. It's just hard to have to learn that about yourself", Cas explained. Dean nodded in understanding, it certainly wasn't easy to tell, let alone having to hear it. "If we're both gay did we ever-."

"No", Dean exclaimed rather quickly. Cas jumped slightly in surprise. "I mean no. We never felt that way about each other. We were just friends." Cas nodded and it was clear to see the wheels turning in his head. Dean knew he would have to explain every puzzle piece before anything could fit together. "It's like this okay? We lived next door to each other. We hung out every day, normally at your house. Sammy always hung out with his friends until about dinner time and then I'd go home and cook for us. When we were young that was it but as we got older we-." Dean got cut off here. The memories of his childhood were horrible, and some things were even worse than war itself. 

"When we got older, about fifth or sixth grade I think, we realized just how bad our homes were. My dad was drunk and abusive after my mom died. Sammy and I had to stay out constantly just to avoid getting beat. You didn't have it any easier. You had an older sibling who hated you up until he got to high school. You guys were super close for a month. Hell we even stopped hanging out because you guys finally got to be brothers. But then your parents found out he was gay. They kicked him out of the home and sent him to this church camp school thing. You guys wrote letters a lot to stay in teach and he reassured you a lot that he wasn't going to change and that he'd be back for you. I think he meant it too. It just wasn't a fast enough solution."

"Your mom and dad fought constantly. If it wasn't over your brother then it was over the house or bills or work. The thing they fought most about though was you. You never did anything wrong Cas", Dean reassured with a slight voice crack. Dean had to fight back tears of the memories of climbing through his friends window to comfort him during those fights or after he got beat up. Cas would cry on and on while Dean sat next to him, trying to help him feel better. "They weren't fit to be parents. Not ever to anyone, let alone kids who didn't fit well into society. Back when you're brother hated you, he outed you. Your parents refused to believe it but eventually it got to their heads. Anytime you hung out with a guy they freaked."

"There were days where I had to sneak into you room just to see you. Usually they'd be okay with me but not always. They thought having kids was a burden after that. Just more money to spend and another mouth to feed. They weren't grateful for you. Or your brother. After that we stayed out a lot. Hung out anywhere but home just cause it was easier. No matter what we stayed pretty inseparable and only grew closer as friends and when other kids at school saw it they automatically thought we were dating. We weren't. We just had a bond that no one else could ever understand. We even decided to go to war together just because after being in our homes? War would be a piece of cake, and for the most part it was." Dean finally concluded and stayed quiet for a little while, his voice slightly hurting after the long explanation of the type of friendship they had. 

Cas sat and pondered it all for awhile before speaking up. "So we were only friends because we understood?" He frowned at this and Dean shook his head with a grin. 

"Hell no", Dean said with a laugh. "We had everything in common. We listened to the same music, had the same thought process, enjoyed the same sports and classes. We read the same book and said the same phrases at the same time. We just had one of those friendships that was inevitable. Nothing could stop us together."

"So that's why everyone jokes about us being the same and being able to do mind games and shit", Cas realized with a grin. Dean nodded and stood up to change the record to the other side, it had stopped awhile back during his explanation. When Dean sat back down, Cas had lots of more questions. Some more serious like about his family or about what he had planned for his life. Some were more simple like favorite music, favorite food, favorite books or colors. Some were weird when he asked about random memories he had that seemed like nothing to him, except for maybe confusing. But to Dean they brought back awkward or weird times from their past. Those typically ended in a lot of laughter.

Dean eventually brought out beers and they sat late into the night, drinking and talking. Cas had a lot of questions but they were some things he didn't even know to ask. If it was important Dean would tell him, but he typically kept quiet about it. Dean may have told him a lot but there was still so much for Cas to remember. Which was good, it was what his doctor wanted. There was still plenty for Cas to try and remember. Like Dean's name for example. But hey, everything comes in time, right?


End file.
